Friday, August 26, 2005

Ho's Play "the Beautiful Game"

So, since my last post wasnt well-received by the key Republican demographic over here, which is one guy - meaning 10% of our readers, I've decided to write about sports.

So here it is.

Sez those silly [insert derrogatory term for "British people" in here, cause i dont know any] at the BBC:
Nick Caistor goes to the Guatemalan town of Flores to meet a women's football team who are swapping the red light district for the red card.
What makes this game particularly unusual is that it's between two women teams. And more unusually than that, it's between two teams of prostitutes.
In red and white stripes are the La Linea All-Stars from the capital, Guatemala City, their rivals in midnight blue are the Tigers of Desire, representing the pride of the local Flores brothel.
The All-Stars' first game was against a team from a high class private girl's school. The game had only been going for a few minutes when the horrified parents of these girls discovered exactly who their opponents were.
According to her, the parents insisted on hosing down the benches where the team had been sitting, "in order not to catch Aids from our sweat".
First off, LOL. Second off, I imagine they are all flexible, which im told helps win games against the not so flexible high school girls. Third off, LOL.

Btw, can you imagine what would happen if a team of ho's just got around and started playing high school girl's teams over here? Now, that would be funny.

I like how she's insulted that they dont want to touch ho-sweat cause it might give them AIDS. I mean, they prob do have AIDS and lets be real here, who would sit on a puddle of AIDS-drenched ho-sweat? I know I wouldnt.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Just Another Day In the Projects

I had a dream I was a gangster -- drinkin Moets, holdin Tecs,
Makin sure the cash is correct then I stepped,
Investments in stock, sewein up the blocks,
to sell rocks, winnin gunfights with the cops,
Custom made suits, hands full of ice & gold
Makin thousand dollar bets on the dice I rolled
Girls whippin night patrol, the whole market,
When I walk, kids is holdin out the red carpet,
Now how good can a man have it?
Livin like a king is a habit, i keep a automatic
The whole crew's life is law above word,
Rumors about the way we make pay is well heard,
Nicknamed the killa clan, so we can kill a man,
If you steal a gram, I kill you with my pen
And not do a minute on a rock,
cause if I do a minute on a rock, the jury's gettin knocked
I've got girls i kept braggin,
Cause ive owned all the runner-ups in every states beauty paegent,
I saw my lamborghuini, hold your martini,
Little kids in the streets, they wanna be me,
Im livin in a mansion, takin kids' wives for ransom,
I'm like a rich Charles Manson,
I blew a backyard, about 40 acres,
You read about me in the papers,
I hit the jackpot, from all my crackspots
we attack cops for props,
I got sons wit guns they all done crime,
They so wild they even scare my ass sometimes,
Other kids on the block is so corny,
I got maddona look-a-likes on the floor for me,
Bad bitches kissin my ass,
I got a few mil in the stash, My bed's made of cash,
But on my head was a price,
I made the bad guys in Miami Vice look nice,
All of a sudden i got raided,
My crib was invaded,
But the 9 still made it,
To the getaway car
And now my drivin skills gotta be up to par
The cops caught the car
And sprayed till it was smoked up
Thats when i woke up

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Royals Are Terrible

Sorry, funny titles, aren't always easy to come by.

So for my first post as guest-blogger, part-time blogger, whatever I am, I was going to talk about the Atlanta Braves and their continued regular season success. Then I figured, if people in Atlanta don't care, why should I? So I figured I'd talk about those sorry Kansas City Royals, since they're at least in the same state as me.

If you don't know, the Royals stopped their losing streak at just 19 games, by beating Oakland 2-1 on Saturday, and they actually managed to repeat that feat, winning on Sunday 5-4. But this post isn't really about the Royals, and their questionable strategy of bringing pitchers straight from Double AA to the majors (which they've done eight times this year). It's about their fans.

Joe Posnaski, who writes for the K.C. Star, asked a simple question in one of his columns: Do you want the losing to continue and for K.C. to own the record for the worst losing streak ever, or do you want this to end? Of course the Royals won that afternoon, so there were only 163 votes e-mailed to him before it was moot, but the totals were 137-26 in favor of continuing to lose. Does this seem wrong to anyone else? I've been an Arizona Cardinals fan for 12 seasons, so I know something about watching a lousy team, lead by bad coaching, all of which was put together by a cheap/inept front office and ownership. Even so, I've never said, "Boy I hope the Cards lose all their games this year! Then they can be the worst team ever! That'll be swell!" Ok, technically, I wouldn't use the word "swell" at all, but you get my point.

So do you think that's ok? That if your team is bad to root for them to be historically bad? To want them to join the ranks of the 2003 Detroit Tigers (43-119), 1962 Mets (40-120), and the 1899 Cleveland Spiders (20 wins, 134 losses)?


Friday, August 19, 2005

Randy's Bogus Journey

So Randy Moss smokes weed on occasion.Was
there any


Vanilla Ice - Platinum Underground Album Review

What, what, bitches?
This is the Zodiac Digital. You kids thought you got rid of me? Im fuckin back. Back to review a Vanilla Ice CD. Ill suffer so you dont have to. Nhjic.

1. Survivor
Well this is already bad. V-Ice sounds like the fucking white Lil' Jon. And predictably, the beat is some bad dirty souf knockoff. The chorus is especially bad.

2. Ninja Rap 2
Umm, are you fuckin kiddin? This one's a sequel to the song that was on the second Ninja Turtles movie. Im dead fuckin serious. This is where he brags that all of ICP's followers like him. He also pretends there are other types of people besides white ones who listen to him. And at the end a few kids sing the song. This is the worst shit ever.

3. Mecca & Ice
Did I hear V-Ice was a Muslim now, Whitey Ford-style? Oh wait, no, he's a motherfuckin scientologist. Thats right, he thinks he was once a space walrus and now thats why he's a retard. Dammit, I hate scientologists. Btw, Vanilla Ice has a slight fake Jamaican/surfer accent on this one. Which will be the worst thing you hear in your life. I gurantee it. And mecca is some real horrible fake Jamaican accented dude.

4. Trailer Park Mullet Wars
Whoever sings on this needs to go and race Nascar or something worthless like that. And Ice keeps screaming on the chorus, and he raps all nasal, but not good nasal, Eazy-E-style, but some weird metal angry nasal. This is probably the worst song so far, and that's saying alot.

5. O.K.S.
This one has a not so terribly offensive rap beat, but the vocals are predictably lame.

6. Dunn Natt
This is produced by the Trackstarz, responsible for Chingy's "Right Thurr" and such. If youre wondering whether this is any good at all, shoot yourself. He also develops a fake accent, St. Louis rappers-style. This could possibly be worse than "Right Thurr," but I dont know cause Im not an expert on homosexuality. He brags he paved the way for Eminem, and he also says "fo sheezy." Meanwhile, I wanna die.

7. Step Up or Shut Up
Actually, I apologize, but its impossible to tell which one of any of this songs is worse. Even if I tried describing how bad this shit is, I would still fail. Who thought this knockoff Limp Bizkit was good?

8. Say Goodbye
Fuck this song.

9. Hustlin
It's like they got every producer who was "hot" 5 years ago, and dared them to use the same style that got stale 4 years ago, except make it worse. This is a bigger tragedy than the Mike Jones album.

10. Ice Ice Baby
Believe it or not. This actually probably one of Vanilla Ice's better songs, if that means anything. This is a remake, but its not particularly better. And btw, I thought they couldnt use the sample anymore cause of David Bowie and Queen?

11. Bounce
This has an OK clap deal and a sample DJ Hi Tek used for "Scratch Rappin'," so its not the worst beat youll ever hear. It is some of the worst raps youll hear tho.

12. Tell My Why
The Backstreet Boys song was better.

Ok, im sorry, but fuck this. This shit was only half the album? I refuse to listen to anymore of this bullshit. Titles like "Flyin' Hawaiian" and "Joe" (wtf? who names his song after a dude?) dont help. Its not even so bad its funny, its just so boring and SO FUCKING LONG. So fuck this, the reciew ends here. Im deleting this shit from my hard drive. I feel cheated even though I didnt pay for this. My hard drive is insulted cause I put this shit in it for a while. Anybody who wants to defend Ice, just reflect on the fact that the only people who appreciate his work is some white kids dressed up as clowns. Btw, does anyone know about how these ICP dudes talk about a magic carnival/circis, and then revealed that the magic carnival/circus was Jesus?

The rest of the songs you'll never hear are:

13. Rollin' in My
14. Detonator
15. Persevere
16. Tank
17. Flyin' Hawaiian
18. UFC
19. Joe
20. Scotty Mack
21. Aussie Steve
22. Clint
23. Penthouse
24. Tamy Faye
25. My Kids

Rating: SHIT out of 5

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Back and Better than Before

After a brief and unscheduled hiatus, your boy is back, and as the title suggests 'better than before'. I guess I should start off by explaining my absence. I was approached by This Man, to be paid 50 million dollars to write for his site for the next two years. I accepted the offer (no homo), initially blinded by the money. But after spending some time on a spiritual retreat to South Africa, I have realized that money is not important. I would rather live in comfort on my ranch in Ohio, than live like a king in Martha's Vineyard. So Im back to my roots, here at "The Greatest Blog Ever Written (while sober)".

And this is where the better than ever part comes into play. Not only have I brought my unmatched talent back to this site, but Ive also brought along a couple of people to help out. You see I wont be able to post as frequently as I would like for the next couple of weeks (court-ordered rehab from the "spiritual retreat") so I have enlisted the help of 1, hopefully 2, legendary blogger(s) and a new but very talented blogger (no homo). So yea, The Macq Experience= Better than Ever.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Macq's NFL Preseason Run-Down

I am seriously conflicted about the NFL preseason. For one thing, at 4 games its way too long. Very rarely do you see anything worth watching in terms of your teams strategy for the season. But on the flip side..........its NFL football! It is the precursor to the best 5 months of the year. So I have decided that since my Nats cant seem to hit a baseball anymore and the T.O posts are getting a little redundant, why not do a preseason game run-down, as the title suggests.

When is it too early to be called a bust?
Not only did the Bears loose their preseason game to the Rams 17-13, but they also lost starting quarterback Rex Grossman for the season. As you may recall Grossman missed most of last season also. For one thing I still think he came out of the University of Florida too early, but he hasn't been a contributor since he joined the Bears. And now a season that looked promising under second year coach Luvie Smith, and free agent signee Mushin Muhammad, now looks as futile as last season.

Randy who?
If the preseason is any type of representation, that is what Vikings fans must be saying today. The Vikings beat Fitz's Chiefs 27-16. But more importantly quarterback Daunte Culpepper seems to have found a new favorite target and his name is Nate Burleson. On the opening drive Culpepper marched the Vikings 65 yards down file in 3:08. His first 5 passes went to 5 different receivers before he capped the drive with a 33 yard TD pass to Burleson. Despite the fact that Culpepper made the Chiefs defense look just as bad as it did last year, there was some good news. Chiefs running back Priest Holmes, rushed 4 times for 42 yards.

and finally,

The battle of the overrated quarterbacks.
Jay Fiedler's Jets beat Joey Harringtons Lions 10-3. With Chad Pennington being held out for injury concerns Fiedler did not look too bad, leading the Jets on a 98 yard scoring drive, completing 7 of 9 for 69 yards, one touchdown run, and oneinterception. Harrington looked like Harrington*. Bad decisions and even worse throws.

*There will be more on Harrington later.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

T.O Flies the Coop

And now for news that should surprise no one, Terrel Owens has left Eagles training camp. It just happened an hour ago so no one really knows if this is related to his contract dispute, or if this has to do with his groin "injury". Either way this is funny. T.O has missed 5 of the last 6 practices. I guess when he and Rosenhouse said they were going to hold out of camp they were serious.

Unfortunately for Owens his not being in camp probably does not worry the Eagles organization. At least it shouldnt. Owens is known around the league for his commitment to staying in shape in the offseason and his workout regiment is second to none. Still this is a brilliant move. He gets to hold out of camp and not get fined at the same time. Brilliant simply brilliant.

This also goes far in the ways of the Eagles eventually releasing him. Which is of course what he wants. Ive said before that I dont think he will be with the team next season and the day the Eagles either put him on the trading block or realease him, 31 NFL teams will be interested......unfortunately for the Eagles, T.O knows that.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Its hard being right all the time

Back when I was a writer at The Gospel, I had a post about Kellen Winslow where I basically said that I hated him so much that I hoped he would get injured. That was before the 2004 season, and as you all know he was injured after the first couple of games that season, and again this offseason, he will miss all of this year.

It appears that I have struck again. I stated here, that I felt that it was time for the Trail Blazers to move Shareef Abdur Rahim. I felt that he had reached his potential and that although he is still relatively young, he was only going to get worse as time went on. Turns out that the Blazers should have dealt him a while ago because he failed his physical with New Jersey. The Nets have since reneged on a possible trade. Rahim is in essence now un tradable. According to the Nets, the undisclosed ailment that caused him to fail did not keep him out of any games during the season. Which means between the last day of Portland's season and now Raheem has done something to himself to make him useless as a player.

Good thing NBA contracts are guaranteed.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Rumble in the Bronx

I guess a more accurate title would be, "Rumble in East Rutherford, NJ". On Saturday during a scrimmage between the New York Jets and New York Giants a fight broke out after 3 Jets DB's jumped Giants TE Jeremy Shockey. A melee soon ensued between the two groups that ended in WR Willie Ponder and others suffering minor injuries.

Details havent come out about what started the fight but I will speculate on what probably happened. Shockey talks shit, Shockey gets jumped. Shockey has never been one to hold his tounge, he talked some shit and he got his ass whooped. I dont like Shockey as a player, just because he plays in the NFC East, but any guy in the league has the balls to call hall of fame coach Bill Parcells a "fag" is alright with me. That being said if you feel the need to talk, maybe an ass whooping is in order. I dont see anything wrong with the whole situation, in fact I wish athletes would stop being so PC and fight sometimes.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Devil Music

Since I dont listen to rock anymore since one of the 2 local rock stations turned into a spanish language station, I havent heard anything new (or old for that matter) from the genre in over a year. You know what Ive realized, I miss listening to:


and them:

Me and my damned devil music.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Recent History of NBA Free Agency Vol 1

This summer has been tame in terms of NBA free agency when compared to the last 5 summers. Yesterday in The Washington Post there was a great article highlighting the major free agent moves of the last 5 years, I found it interesting that most of the teams who re-signed their big free agents ended up regretting it. Here is the list for 2000 and 2001 big free agent signees, with my commentary of course.


Tim Duncan: re-signs with San Antonio for 3 years and $33 million
Grant Hill: signs with Orlando for 7 years and $93 million
Brian Grant: signs wtih Miami for 7 years and $86 million
Eddie Jones: signs with Miami for 7 years and $93 million
Jalen Rose: re-signs with Indiana for 7 years and $93 million
Austin Crochere: re-signs with Indiana for 7 years and $51 million
Tim Thomas: re-signs with Milwaukee for 6 years and $67 million

Its funny how Tim Duncan was the only big free agent that re-signed with his team to live up to and pass his contract. Jalen Rose was traded the year after signing his contract, Crochere is still with the Pacers, but is buried on the bench. Tim Thomas was traded to the Knicks and can currently be seen stealing checks in New York.


Chris Webber: re-signs with Sacremento for 7 years and $123 million
Allan Houston: re-signs with New York for 6 years and $100 million
Michael Finley: re-signs with Dallas for 7 years amd $102 million
Vince Carter: re-signs with Toronto for 6 years and $79 million
Dikembe Mutombo: re-signs with Philadelphia for 4 years and $68 million

Out of this group of signees its shocking that only Chris Webber had an immediate positive impact on his team. Houston has been injured for much of the last 3 seasons. Finley has been on the decline the last couple of seasons, not to mention his injury problems. Carter never emerges as the leader an $80 million dollar contract makes you. And in the most ridiculous signing, Dikembe "Mount" Mutombo signs for 68 million. Hopefully the GM that made that deal has since been fired.

The overall theme of these signing is that when a team tries to keep its "star" player in house, it very rarely works out. With Duncan being the only real exception, it seems as if not caving in to ridiculous contract demands by your 'in house' free agents is the way to go. So for Wizards fans (me) and fans in genereal maybe there is a silver lining for your favorite player leaving via free agency.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Mega Trade!!!

The biggest trade in NBA history was finalized earlier tonight as reported (kinda) here when the Miami Heat acquired Antoine Walker from the Celtics, and Jason Williams and James Posey from the Grizzlies. In a deal that involves 5 teams and 12 players, the Heat landed 3 players that could put them over the top next season.

Yea I know Antoine Walker is not that great of a player, yea I know Jason Williams is spotty when it comes to decision making, and yea I know James Posey missed 50 games last season, but damnit the Heat didnt get any worse. They gave up Eddie Jones, who, while he is a nice role-player, has under-preformed his ginourmous contract. The Eastern Conference, save for Indiana, has been getting worse this offseason. Who will challenge them (the Heat)? Also a Wade/Williams backcourt sounds exciting (no homo). Shaq did not have any good passers last year, with the addition of Williams he may not have to work as hard in the post.

On a semi-related note, wtf is Memphis doing? Not only do they trade away two of their starters for an over the hill shooting guard (trust me there are better over the hill shooting guards out there) but earlier in the offseason they always traded away Bonzi Wells. With Pau Gasol going no where fast, I can see why the fanbase in Vancouver dwindled.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Trailblazers are busy

The Portland Jailblazers seem to be real busy this offseason. Not only a sign and trade deal involving Shareef Abdur Rahim. And now the Houston Chronicle is reporting that Damon Stoudamire will have they signed free agent guard Juan Dixon (former Wizard guard) but they also are in talks with New Jersey for be going to the Memphis Grizzlies. Stoudamire made 12.7 million last season and averaged 16 ppg and 6 apg.

Stoudamire is a solid point guard, but I hope that Memphis realizes that he is not a 13 million dollar point guard as his career averages of 14.6 ppg and 6.6 apg show. Not only that, but he obviously is not that bright. Of all the ways to try to get weed on a plain, the dumbest has to be putting it in tin foil. Good point guard? Yes. 9 million dollar point guard? Also, yes.
On a related note, the Rahim trade for a draft pick is a great move. Its time to get his salary out of Portland. Rahim is one of those players, such as Pau Gasol, who everyone expected to get better but who has obviously reached his potential. Getting his salary off of the books is a good move, I havent researched how strong next years draft class is slated to be, but regardless its time for Portland to move on.