Friday, August 19, 2005

Vanilla Ice - Platinum Underground Album Review

What, what, bitches?
This is the Zodiac Digital. You kids thought you got rid of me? Im fuckin back. Back to review a Vanilla Ice CD. Ill suffer so you dont have to. Nhjic.




1. Survivor
Well this is already bad. V-Ice sounds like the fucking white Lil' Jon. And predictably, the beat is some bad dirty souf knockoff. The chorus is especially bad.

2. Ninja Rap 2
Umm, are you fuckin kiddin? This one's a sequel to the song that was on the second Ninja Turtles movie. Im dead fuckin serious. This is where he brags that all of ICP's followers like him. He also pretends there are other types of people besides white ones who listen to him. And at the end a few kids sing the song. This is the worst shit ever.

3. Mecca & Ice
Did I hear V-Ice was a Muslim now, Whitey Ford-style? Oh wait, no, he's a motherfuckin scientologist. Thats right, he thinks he was once a space walrus and now thats why he's a retard. Dammit, I hate scientologists. Btw, Vanilla Ice has a slight fake Jamaican/surfer accent on this one. Which will be the worst thing you hear in your life. I gurantee it. And mecca is some real horrible fake Jamaican accented dude.

4. Trailer Park Mullet Wars
Whoever sings on this needs to go and race Nascar or something worthless like that. And Ice keeps screaming on the chorus, and he raps all nasal, but not good nasal, Eazy-E-style, but some weird metal angry nasal. This is probably the worst song so far, and that's saying alot.

5. O.K.S.
This one has a not so terribly offensive rap beat, but the vocals are predictably lame.

6. Dunn Natt
This is produced by the Trackstarz, responsible for Chingy's "Right Thurr" and such. If youre wondering whether this is any good at all, shoot yourself. He also develops a fake accent, St. Louis rappers-style. This could possibly be worse than "Right Thurr," but I dont know cause Im not an expert on homosexuality. He brags he paved the way for Eminem, and he also says "fo sheezy." Meanwhile, I wanna die.

7. Step Up or Shut Up
Actually, I apologize, but its impossible to tell which one of any of this songs is worse. Even if I tried describing how bad this shit is, I would still fail. Who thought this knockoff Limp Bizkit was good?

8. Say Goodbye
Fuck this song.

9. Hustlin
It's like they got every producer who was "hot" 5 years ago, and dared them to use the same style that got stale 4 years ago, except make it worse. This is a bigger tragedy than the Mike Jones album.

10. Ice Ice Baby
Believe it or not. This actually probably one of Vanilla Ice's better songs, if that means anything. This is a remake, but its not particularly better. And btw, I thought they couldnt use the sample anymore cause of David Bowie and Queen?

11. Bounce
This has an OK clap deal and a sample DJ Hi Tek used for "Scratch Rappin'," so its not the worst beat youll ever hear. It is some of the worst raps youll hear tho.

12. Tell My Why
The Backstreet Boys song was better.

Ok, im sorry, but fuck this. This shit was only half the album? I refuse to listen to anymore of this bullshit. Titles like "Flyin' Hawaiian" and "Joe" (wtf? who names his song after a dude?) dont help. Its not even so bad its funny, its just so boring and SO FUCKING LONG. So fuck this, the reciew ends here. Im deleting this shit from my hard drive. I feel cheated even though I didnt pay for this. My hard drive is insulted cause I put this shit in it for a while. Anybody who wants to defend Ice, just reflect on the fact that the only people who appreciate his work is some white kids dressed up as clowns. Btw, does anyone know about how these ICP dudes talk about a magic carnival/circis, and then revealed that the magic carnival/circus was Jesus?

The rest of the songs you'll never hear are:

13. Rollin' in My
14. Detonator
15. Persevere
16. Tank
17. Flyin' Hawaiian
18. UFC
19. Joe
20. Scotty Mack
21. Aussie Steve
22. Clint
23. Penthouse
24. Tamy Faye
25. My Kids


Rating: SHIT out of 5

6 Comments:

At 5:49 PM, Blogger macq said...

2 things.....the first being

does 25 songs seem a little excessive? even for a washed up hack like v-ice. Second you mean to tell me there are no good songs, not even the collabo with chingy's award winning production team?!?!?!

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Young'un said...

This is a joke, right?
This is nothing more than a cruel, cruel joke gone awry, right?
RIGHT?!
That's the only way that I could see Vanilla Ice doing anything.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger David Farr said...

A friend let me download a few tracks and I think the shit's hot! Comparable to any of the top rappers today. I like almost every single track! I think Zodiac Digital is overly critical and already didn't like Vanilla Ice to begin with for whatever reason. If you're open minded, it grows on you and even my girlfriend, who never liked vanilla ice before, likes several tracks off the album. Check it out and judge for yourself. Vanilla Ice Platinum Underground

 
At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Zodiac, don't you have a wife to beat somewhere. I am not so sure we listened to the same record. Just out of curiousity what music DO YOU LIKE!!! You are an arrogant ass. Get fucked!!

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kiss my ass motherfucker! Vanilla Ice is back on the map! Like it or not!

 
At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I loved this CD - it's never got a dull moment - never boring

 

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